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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

Emo Philips

Interviewers always used to ask me about my pageboy haircut, and it drove me nuts: it almost made me suspect that there was something strange about it. So I cut off my pageboy.
EMO PHILIPS

Drive Interview Myself Page Strange
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
EMO PHILIPS

Heart Myself Old Place Time Woman
I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
EMO PHILIPS

Myself Organ Thinking Wonderful
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS

Children Myself Name
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPS

Brain Death Democracy Doctor Emergency Family Myself Room
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS

Career Hypocrisy Myself Woman
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPS

Animal Dog Human Myself Thinking
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
EMO PHILIPS

Evidence Himself Library Myself Rude Wonderful
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS

Death Last Remember Word
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS

Computer Intelligence Thinking
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
EMO PHILIPS

Appreciation Life Praise School Woman Yourself
The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPS

Difference Make Up Myself Notice Pay Return
So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
EMO PHILIPS

Moron Myself Stand Wall
Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPS

Leather Morning Worth

My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.

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Popular Authors

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