How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSHow many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSI got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
EMO PHILIPSI think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
EMO PHILIPSI love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
EMO PHILIPSI was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPSMy girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
EMO PHILIPSI used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPSLord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
EMO PHILIPSSome mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSOne man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
EMO PHILIPSThe Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
EMO PHILIPS