My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPSAlways remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS