Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPSNew York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS