I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
EMO PHILIPSNew York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
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When I wake up in the morning, I just can’t get started until I’ve had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I’ve tried other enemas.
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The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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I’m not as good a swimmer as I used to be – thanks to evolution.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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One man’s pet-stained carpet is another man’s Twister game.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPS






