The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
EMO PHILIPSNew York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a couple of screws onto the seats.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
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My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
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I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
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