My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
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I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.
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New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I stabbed him.
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I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
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I think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
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I tried body surfing once, but how often do you find a corpse?
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
EMO PHILIPS