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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

Emo Philips

My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
EMO PHILIPS

Crazy Expensive Need Relationship Treatment
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
EMO PHILIPS

Death Last Remember Word
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPS

Built Character Combination Myself Nature Understand
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
EMO PHILIPS

Beat Boxing Computer Defeat Myself
All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.
EMO PHILIPS

Earth Hate Live Nation Peace Prejudice Reality Reason Togetherness
I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
EMO PHILIPS

Alcohol Drink Myself Night
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.
EMO PHILIPS

Caress Head Myself Night Respond
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because they’re the devil.
EMO PHILIPS

Devil Murder Oneself Time Tough
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers…damn anthropologists.
EMO PHILIPS

Career Hypocrisy Myself Woman
Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPS

Drop Food Funny Myself Relationship Spoon
Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPS

Computer Intelligence Thinking
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPS

Funny Hands Magic Myself People Power Raise
I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
EMO PHILIPS

Item Language Learning Luxury Myself
I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
EMO PHILIPS

Hope Learning Love Myself Panic Stalk
I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPS

Life Myself Please Reality Win
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
EMO PHILIPS

Angry Buy Period Wait Weapon

I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

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I don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.

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