I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know how electricity works. All I know is that it calms me.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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They have a sign at the beach, “no glass bottles”. I think that’s so the other sand particles don’t feel like underachievers.
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My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
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I used to get drunk every night until I puked. Finally I admitted, “I am a bulemic”.
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I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
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Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
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My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
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The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
EMO PHILIPS