Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
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When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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I’m learning Cuban. It’s like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.
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The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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My girlfriend said, Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need! So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I’d got out.
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A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
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I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
EMO PHILIPS






