How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSI’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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I’m filthy stinking rich – well, two out of three ain’t bad.
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I’ve learned that you can’t make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they’ll panic and give in.
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I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.
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My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew in a dental appointment.
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Computers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
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I’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
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You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
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The other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
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When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.
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My girlfriend said, Emo, I’m seeing another man. I said, Well, try rubbing your eyes or something.
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I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.
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I’d be in the backyard minding my own business. The other kids would call me names, like meatball head or neo-Calvinist. I’d run after them, but lucky for them the chain would snap my neck back.
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If an asteroid is coming toward you, you don’t have to blow it up. You just have to slow it down long enough for our country to rotate out of the way.
EMO PHILIPS






