The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPSThe American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPSWhen I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I’d yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal… You have to let me in now.
EMO PHILIPSI took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
EMO PHILIPSI think the whole concept of monotheism is a gift from the gods.
EMO PHILIPSI’m not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?
EMO PHILIPSThe IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said If you’ll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return. Given what you’ve been paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
EMO PHILIPSComputers aren’t intelligent, they only think they are.
EMO PHILIPSI was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
EMO PHILIPSI asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
EMO PHILIPSI got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, how are you going to get into the corners?”
EMO PHILIPSI’ve been wrestling with reality for most of my life. I’m pleased to say I’ve won.
EMO PHILIPSThe battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
EMO PHILIPSHow many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
EMO PHILIPSOnce I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.
EMO PHILIPSI don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
EMO PHILIPS