The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence… sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
EMO PHILIPSThe other day a woman came up to me and said, Didn’t I see you on television? I said, I don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.
More Emo Philips Quotes
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My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all excited, and placing bets.
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When deciding between two competing theories, always go with the one that doesn’t involve a magic spell.
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Not everybody hates me. Only the people who’ve met me.
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Once I posed nude for a magazine. I’ve never been back to THAT newstand.
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You know what I hate? Indian givers… no, I take that back.
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I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
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I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, “we’ve never had a democrat in the family before”.
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I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.
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So I’m at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.
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I’ve always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.
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People come up to me… concerned… that I’ll reproduce.
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I don’t know if I was put on this Earth for a purpose or not. But I’m fairly confident that I’ll be taken off of it for one.
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I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
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I was walking down the street the other day and these construction workers were working on the roof hammering away. One of them told me I was a paranoid lunatic… in morse code.
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The American government is making nuclear weapons like there’s no tomorrow.
EMO PHILIPS