“Been in this game one-hundred years, but I see new ways to lose ’em I never knew existed before.”

The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided.

You gotta lose ’em some of the time. When you do, lose ’em right.

Son, we’d like to keep you around this season but we’re going to try and win a pennant.

Sure I played, did you think I was born at the age of 70 sitting in a dugout trying to manage guys like you?

The secret of successful managing is to keep the five guys who hate you away from the four guys who haven’t made up their minds.

Don’t drink in the hotel bar, that’s where I do my drinking.

There are three things you can do in a baseball game. You can win, or you can lose, or it can rain.

All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you.

The only thing blame does is to keep the focus off you when you are looking for… reasons to explain your unhappiness or frustration.

They say some of my stars drink whiskey, but I have found that ones who drink milkshakes don’t win many ball games.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

I was a left-handed dentist who made people cry.

If we’re going to win the pennant, we’ve got to start thinking we’re not as good as we think we are.

Two hundred million Americans, and there ain’t two good catchers among ’em.

I don’t like them fellas who drive in two runs and let in three.

You gotta learn that if you don’t get it by midnight, chances are you ain’t gonna get it, and if you do, it ain’t worth it.

There have been times when I played more than others, but I’ve been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I’ve always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.

There’s never been anything like the so-called Vietnam Syndrome: it’s mostly a fabrication.

No great art has ever been made without the artist having known danger.

So, it’s a special event, right? Well, if you want to go see a movie that I’m in, it still may be a special event for you, but, you don’t feel like you don’t know where I’ve been.

I’ve never been one to look up the ladder. I’ve always looked down the ladder. As long as there’s one guy down there, I’m fine.

My lawyer has been a good friend of mine for a long time. He and I continuously have conversations.

When you have good friends you’ve been around, every time they talk, you don’t give them your full attention.

I’ve never been a jealous person, and I’ve never felt built up by someone else’s failure – that’s a cheap thrill.