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There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

Billy Crystal

There’s a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive. With all dead, well, with all dead there’s usually only one thing you can do. Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Big Clothes Difference Mostly
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Country Funny Humorous
I had really good hearing and when you’re scared it gets heightened so you hear scratching noises or something.
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Hearing Noise Scared
Don’t give up your power.
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Don't Give Up Giving Up Power
The inspiration was this great group of 40 or 50 relatives, sometimes for Thanksgiving or Passover or something and my brothers would just go up and make them laugh.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Brother Inspiration Laughing
Whoo-hoo-hoo, look who knows so much. It just so happens that your friend here is only MOSTLY dead.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Clothes Differences Looks
A laugh is a weird sound, and when you get a couple thousand people making it at once, it’s really strange. But when I can feel proud of myself for causing it, it’s great.
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Couple Laughing People
If you do something for the first time, you will always remember it. If your Dad has something to do with it, you write about it.
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Dad Father Respect
Nothing can take the sting out of the world’s economic problems like watching millionaires present each other with golden statues.
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Golden Problem World
From the first time I saw Sid Caesar be funny I knew that’s what I had to do.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Ghouls Saws Sids
You have to always remember they’re not your own kids. Play with them, love them, spoil them to death – then hand them back.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Death Kids Love Own Play
There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Kids Nice Thinking
The Passion of the Christ opened up on Ash Wednesday, had a Good Friday.
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Ashes Friday Passion
It is better to look good than to feel good.
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Comedian Feel Good Looks
Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.
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Being Funny Sex Sexy Single
Nobody is more truthful when he’s acting than De Niro.
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Acting Comedy Truthful
You really have to have some muscle to be on the stage in front of the world.
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Muscles Stage World
Two thousand years ago Jesus is crucified, three days later he walks out of a cave and they celebrate with chocolate bunnies and marshmallow Peeps and beautifully decorated eggs. I guess these were things Jesus loved as a child.
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Celebrate Children Easter Guess Jesus Peep
I’m a baby. I sleep like a baby – I’m up every two hours. And I think a lot. I worry a lot. I have great nights of no sleep where ideas come.
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Baby Night Sleep
You have to really respect what your kids are doing with their kids and how they’re raising them. You can’t push your way into areas where you shouldn’t be saying anything.
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Hands Kids Play
We were in front of a live audience and I would be acting with the man who was playing my lover, and we used those words, and the audience would titter and laugh, and make me uncomfortable doing the scenes. …
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Audience Front Growing Men Self Used
Bambi, to a kid, was scary.
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Comedy Kids Scary
[I did impressions] of relatives because I heard so many different sounds. My dad was in the music business and of course my uncle was a giant [music producer], but my dad in particular had the house filled with these Dixieland jazz stars.
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Dad Stars Uncle
Change is such hard work.
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Change Inspirational Work
My grandparents invented joylessness. They were not fun. I’ve already had more fun with my grandchildren than my grandparents ever had with me.
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Fun Grandchildren Grandparent
I started examining history and then everything related to the theater. History, art, all the other studies, if I could link them into the theater, then it became alive for me. It just opened up my eyes.
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Eyes History Open Related Started
Dad had a music store, and he’d often bring home comedy albums that I would listen to. I started listening to Bob Newhart and Bill Cosby, and developing taste. They really influenced my style of comedy.
BILLY CRYSTAL

Dad Home Style

There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

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There’s only, I think, in life, three things that I do pretty well: Performing, I still can field ground balls, and I make nice kids.

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Popular Authors

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