Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t vote, it only encourages them.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.
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Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby. “Is this yours?” she asked “probably” said Paddy “she burns everything else”
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
BILLY CONNOLLY