I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t vote, it only encourages them.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
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Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
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I spent the whole time battering people I liked and singing with my arm round people I loathed.
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If you give people a chance, they shine.
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When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, “Has the bus come yet?”. If the bus came would I be standing here?
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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Wisdom isn’t an old guy on top of a mountain in a loin cloth. It isn’t an answer. It’s a question.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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I hate those earnest TV documentaries that are the world according to people with glasses who know better than you.
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People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that’s an image I really didn’t need.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
BILLY CONNOLLY