Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
BILLY CONNOLLYDon’t vote, it only encourages them.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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Politically correct is the language of cowardice.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
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There’s an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it’s a different venue.
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
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My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.
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My advice to you, if you want to lose a bit of weight: don’t eat anything that comes in a bucket. Buckets are the kitchen utensils of the farmyard.
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I’m a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don’t eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.
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Life is supposed to be fun. It’s not a job or occupation. We’re here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.
BILLY CONNOLLY