I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I think the longer Britain is in Europe the better.
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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When you involved in an accident and someone asks “are you alright?” Yes fine thanks, I’ll just pick up my limbs and be off.
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If you want to lose a bit of weight, don’t eat anything out of a bucket.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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A mate of mine has just told me he’s shagging his girlfriend and her twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said “her brothers got a moustache!”
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
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Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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When I read ‘Be real, don’t get caught acting,’ I thought, ‘How the hell do you do that?’.
BILLY CONNOLLY