Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
BILLY CONNOLLYThe world needs more Edwin Morgans, people who can take the language and swing it round their heads and don’t care what you think.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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Oh aye…my Father would thrash me every now and then. He’d talk while he did it too! He’d hit me and shout, ‘Have ye had enough?’ Had enough? Whit kind of question is that? ‘Why, Father, would another kick in the balls be out of the question???’
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I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it’s not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.
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I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
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I’m a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world’s a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they’re delightful. They all want so little.
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It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he’s telling them all different things.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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Learn to feel sorry for music because, although it is the international language, it has no swear words.
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I’ve been a poser for f–ing years. I say, pose your arse off. You know, have a laugh.
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I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
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I don’t aim to offend.
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[To audience members who were arriving late] You haven’t missed a thing, I was just killing time ’til you got here.
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There’s one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.
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For me, it’s about the desire to win. My audience becomes a crowd of wild animals and I have to be the lion-tamer or be eaten.
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There’s a fine line you have to tread because you don’t know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.
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In Mexico, everything on the menu is the same dish. The only difference is the way it’s folded.
BILLY CONNOLLY