Chic Murray once told me he fell in the street, and a woman said to him, “Did you fall?” He said, “No, I’m tryin’ to break a bar of chocolate in my back pocket.”
BILLY CONNOLLYI set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce – my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions – the absurdity of the thing.
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I don’t know why I should have to learn Algebra… I’m never likely to go there.
BILLY CONNOLLY -
didn’t even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they`d made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!
BILLY CONNOLLY -
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
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Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
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Outgrew the media… The negativity felt like a disease.
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I can’t believe in Christianity, but I think Jesus was a wonderful teacher.
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I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
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People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
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I think age is terribly overrated. You’re okay as long as you don’t grow up. By all means grow old, but don’t mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
BILLY CONNOLLY