To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
BILL MAHERDeath is nature’s way of killing you.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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You want to spend your millions on a worthless cause? Try donating it to the Democrats.
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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Men are only as loyal as their options.
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The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
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It’s very hard not to be condescending when you’re explaining something to an idiot.
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In Europe, Socialism is just another political party. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals, prisons, military and schools that should not be run for profit.
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When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
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Let’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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If you want to get rich with a tax free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
BILL MAHER