The plain fact is: religion must die for mankind to live.
BILL MAHERThings aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
More Bill Maher Quotes
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We don’t really have to make fun of religion – it makes fun of itself.
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They’re talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that’s used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can’t even smoke in bed.
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Maybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
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False hope really makes you cynical.
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I don’t understand why the police are infallible. They remind me a lot of the Catholic Church.
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The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
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To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
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I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
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If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
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Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
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Trusting the government to monitor your calls without listening. It’s kind of like trusting Chris Christie to pick up the McDonald’s and not eat the fries on the way home.
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The First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
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Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.
BILL MAHER