The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he’s the only one in the world who treats me like I’m the Beatles.
BILL MAHERIf you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I’m not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they’re anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they’re anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they’re super Christian, they’re a witch.
BILL MAHER -
To those people who say, ‘My father is alive because of animal experimentation,’ I say, ‘Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live.’ Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade-off.
BILL MAHER -
In an average moral universal society, good people will try to do the right thing, and psychotic people will do wicked things. But if you want to make good people do wicked things, you need them to be religious.
BILL MAHER -
Men are only as loyal as their options.
BILL MAHER -
As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.
BILL MAHER -
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
BILL MAHER -
Denying racism is the new racism.
BILL MAHER -
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
BILL MAHER -
Funny that all of Nixon’s crimes – anonymous campaign cash, wiretapping, undeclared wars – are all legal now. Discuss.
BILL MAHER -
Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
BILL MAHER -
I don’t know anyone less Jesus like than Christians.
BILL MAHER -
If anti-gay stuff is always coming out of your mouth, something very gay is probably going in.
BILL MAHER -
When I see the toothless guy, as a liberal, what I say is, ‘I want to help you get teeth.’ Why does that make me an a**hole?
BILL MAHER -
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
BILL MAHER -
Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
BILL MAHER