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Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

Bill Maher

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in ‘Dancing with the Stars.’
BILL MAHER

Dance Popular Stardom
I feel like I’m wearing orthopedic shoes, because I stand corrected.
BILL MAHER

Feeling Myself Shoes Stand Wear
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
BILL MAHER

God Man Quit Suicide Way Yourself
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.
BILL MAHER

Abuse Children Follower Leadership Yourself
Atheism is a religion the way abstinence is a sex position.
BILL MAHER

Atheism Position Religion Sex
Little do women know what big ideas I have in my pants.
BILL MAHER

Big Ideas Myself Woman
Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don’t pay attention.
BILL MAHER

Attention Country Pay Stupidity
I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
BILL MAHER

Better Country Flaw Myself Patriot Point Thinking
Jim Bakker spells his name with two k’s because three would be too obvious.
BILL MAHER

Himself Name Obvious
I don’t say that I’m an atheist. I don’t like that term, because I think it mirrors the certitude of religion. I say I don’t know. And if you don’t know – and you don’t – just man up and say you don’t know. Don’t turn to silly stories and ancient myths.
BILL MAHER

Ancient Atheist Man Myth Religion Story Thinking
America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
BILL MAHER

Dog Explanation Issues Myself Sorry Understand
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
BILL MAHER

Brilliant Ourselves People Stupidity True
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
BILL MAHER

Boy Embrace History Ideas Low Slow Technology
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
BILL MAHER

Mistake Necessary Past Person Wisdom
A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
BILL MAHER

Fertilizer Perfume Woman Yourself
The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
BILL MAHER

Friendship Ideas Lover Man Treat Woman Yourself

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

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Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

Related Topics

Popular Authors

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