Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need.
BILL MAHERWhen opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
More Bill Maher Quotes
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Just honest. To me, being ‘politically incorrect’ means the opposite of being political — which means to spin everything. That’s all it’s ever meant to me. It’s never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.
BILL MAHER -
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
BILL MAHER -
The thing I don’t understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who’s supposed to pretend they don’t want it?
BILL MAHER -
I always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
BILL MAHER -
Suicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
BILL MAHER -
The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.
BILL MAHER -
Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?
BILL MAHER -
Things aren’t right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?
BILL MAHER -
Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he’d have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair.
BILL MAHER -
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
BILL MAHER -
We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
BILL MAHER -
Only a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
BILL MAHER -
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
BILL MAHER -
The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you’ll wind up with a lover.
BILL MAHER -
The answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
BILL MAHER