The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
BILL MAHERThe Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, ‘You know what? Let’s just grab lunch.’
BILL MAHERThe answer isn’t another pill. The answer is spinach.
BILL MAHERPeople have to stop saying that just because someone is an anti-gay activist they might be gay. They’re DEFINITELY GAY!!
BILL MAHERSuicide is man’s way of telling God, ‘You can’t fire me – I quit.’
BILL MAHERMaybe a president who didn’t believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.
BILL MAHERLet’s make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake – you know, to send the right message to kids.
BILL MAHERThe whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.
BILL MAHERIt’s not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That’s predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.
BILL MAHEROnly a Bush could answer a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ question two different ways and be wrong both times.
BILL MAHERI always compare marriage to communism. They’re both institutions that don’t conform to human nature, so you’re going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
BILL MAHERThe First Amendment was specifically designed for citizens to insult politicians. Libel laws were written to protect law students speaking out on political issues from getting called whores by Oxycontin addicts.
BILL MAHERTalk to women who’ve ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.
BILL MAHERThe problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
BILL MAHERIf you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.
BILL MAHERWhen opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
BILL MAHERIf you believe that the world is going to come to an end – and perhaps any day now – does it not drain one’s motivation to improve life on earth while we’re here?
BILL MAHER