We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.
BILL MAHERIf Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?
More Bill Maher Quotes
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I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.
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The “Power of One” is a slogan–not a goal.
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America is like a dog. I’m sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can’t actually explain issues to a dog.
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Some people think I enjoy debate. I don’t. I wish everyone agreed with me; it would save a lot of time.
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Have you ever met a war you didn’t love? I’m asking, is there any place you don’t want to intervene in?
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The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They’re supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.
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Let’s face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?
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When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.
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False hope really makes you cynical.
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A new cologne is coming out. It’s for cowboys, and it’s made from cow’s manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
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The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
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Hot women have to stop putting long paragraphs of text on their bodies. I know you think it’s sexy but one thing that men never think is, “Gee, you know what would make this sex better? Having something to read.”
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Halloween is a day when we all get to fool people into thinking we’re someone else. Or as Mitt Romney calls it, campaigning.
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That’s what’s so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
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The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity – mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism – mumbling to the wall, Islam – mumbling to the floor.
BILL MAHER






