“Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can’t make a profit off it, would it?”

Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour.

A world where greed is our God and wisdom is sin, where division is key and unity is fantasy, where the ego-driven cleverness of the mind is praised, rather than the intelligence of the heart.

People in the U.K. share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn’t share with itself. They have a sense of irony, which America doesn’t have, seeing as it’s being run by fundamentalists who take things literally.

We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?

…love rather than fear…this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope…surely there is hope for us all.

What do you say we lighten things up and talk about abortion?

I began working quite young, writing, growing, maturing, always striving to top myself – to make people laugh hard at things they know and believe deep in their hearts to be true.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you’re all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

I’ve had good times on drugs…bad times on drugs…But I’ve had good and bad relationships…and I’m not giving up pussy.

I don’t get along with anything, I really don’t…I’m, I’m, maybe I’m just a, you know, incredibly tasteful human being.

This is where we are at right now, as a whole. No one is left out of the loop. We are experiencing a reality based on a thin veneer of lies and illusions.

I’m an American who loves an America which doesn’t exist, which is a land of freedom and free ideas.

We really are All One….this is the very philosophy that has kept me virtually anonymous in America for fifteen years.

It’s my object to be stared at like a dog that’s just been shown a card trick.

In the beginning God created the heavans and the earth… see you at the final.

We are losing the ‘War on Drugs,’ which means there’s a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.

Anyone who spends time on the road knows there’s something special about being in the middle of Utah or Nebraska – you sit with it, and there’s a peace about it. You can go left or right, and it opens up all kinds of doors. You take your own path.

My own belief is that there is hardly anyone whose sexual life, if it were broadcast, would not fill the world at large with surprise and horror.

It is no harder for anyone to test this than it is for me to say it is false, since no one is prevented from counting teeth.

I’m a father, a son, and a grandson, and if anyone messed with my wife, mom, or grandmother, and if the law didn’t care about it, what would I do? Would I be defined by that action?

Strength is not nearly as important as desire. I don’t think you can teach anyone desire. I think it’s a gift. I don’t know why I have it, but I do.

Anyway, I just haven’t been able to find any humanity in any Republican candidate ever in my entire life.

I’m not going to impugn anyone’s integrity. I’m not going to attack their character. And, in fact, I will happily praise both Donald Trump and Marco Rubio as men who I admire, as people who I’m not going to go personal with them.

Anyone else has to come upstairs and see the Shogun. I’m still the Shogun.