“Mushrooms grow on cow turds. I love that. I think that’s why you giggle the first hour.”

I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, “Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.” This guy was reaching.

I love talking about Kennedy assassination…a great archetypal example of how totalitarian government…sorry, wrong meeting.

I used to drink, I did, I had to quit. Man, I was an embarrassing drunk. I’d get pulled over by the cops, I’d be so drunk I’d be out dancing to their lights thinking I’d made it to another club.

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you’ve got the money!

I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.

You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.

England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States…23,000 deaths from handguns. But – there’s no connection.

The Voice of Reason is in us all…and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.

Don’t worry; don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.

The economy that’s fake anyway! Ha ha ha! Which would be a real bummer. You know. You can see why the government’s cracking down… on the idea of experiencing unconditional love, ah.

Dinosaur fossils were placed in rocks by prankster God just to make human beings think the world is older than it is.

Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags.

How would you like to get inside that guy’s mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn’t he?

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution.

It’s always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it’s just hilarious.

not all drugs are good.. some of them are great

My family and I reside on a non-working farm, although we have a couple of horses and the usual stuff like pigs, cows, and chickens.

None of my friends don’t have Facebook accounts.

Op-eds and studies can highlight our decreased enthusiasm for Facebook ’til the cows come home.

If every man works at that for which nature fitted him, the cows will be well tended.

I grew up eating hamburger helper, macaroni and cheese, and drinking lots of milk, and looked at lots of cows; but I feel like a New Yorker now, I’ve lived here for sixteen years.

There was a little element of feeling like a cow.

Studying cows, pigs and chickens can help an actor develop his character. There are a lot of things I learned from animals. One was that they couldn’t hiss or boo me.

Mathematicians, like cows in the dark, all look alike to me.