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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

Bill Bailey

So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
BILL BAILEY

Beautiful Possess Things
Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
BILL BAILEY

Clubs Fashion Marijuana
Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
BILL BAILEY

Door Funny Humor Jobs More
This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Shed
There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEY

Couple Funny Hold Humor Position
Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Milk Mother
I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
BILL BAILEY

Enjoyed Holiday Morning Son
I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
BILL BAILEY

Corresponding Funny Humor Long Thinking
The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
BILL BAILEY

Alive Die Funny Humor
Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
BILL BAILEY

Fighting Funny Humor Message Pineapple Stupid
The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY

Bafflingly Jump Paralyzing Philosophical Spider
There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
BILL BAILEY

Box Evil Funny Humor Suggestion
Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
BILL BAILEY

Funny Humor Outcome Three
Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
BILL BAILEY

Contentment Happiness Knowing Someone
I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
BILL BAILEY

Concrete Funny Humor Pigs
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
BILL BAILEY

Finished Funny Humor Unique

Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.

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Popular Authors

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