Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEYRelaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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American rock has a sort of self-pitying whine to it.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEY