Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
BILL BAILEYYou remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
BILL BAILEY