Thank God for Darwin, eh?
BILL BAILEYI would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
BILL BAILEY






