There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
BILL BAILEYAdd a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
BILL BAILEY