The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
BILL BAILEYOr, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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This shed does not contain me.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
BILL BAILEY