Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEYThe so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY