Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
BILL BAILEYThe so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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This shed does not contain me.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
BILL BAILEY