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Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough.

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Marilyn Monroe Paulo Coelho Abraham Lincoln C. S. Lewis Khalil Gibran Charlie Chaplin Gautama Buddha Isaac Newton

My parents were vegetarians. I’d show up at school, this giant black kid, with none of the cool clothes and a tofu sandwich and celery sticks.
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I was born in California, raised a vegetarian, and love science fiction, so don’t tell me how I need to be in order to fit your standards.
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I always wanted to be as busy as possible so that if one job went away I’d still have plenty of other things to do.
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I don’t know if I was always an open person, but I think stand-up comics specifically have this way of running towards embarrassing things.
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I have always been a softie, and I fight it with every fiber of my being. Sadly, my being’s fibers need to hit the gym.
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No one wants to hear about how awesome you were; people want to hear about the time you blew it.
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Whereas regular people tend to run away – because the embarrassing story is always going to be the really funny story.
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I was really unhappy. I had a great job that I should have loved, yet I was miserable. I slowly realized that was because I wasn’t performing. So I just tried stand-up and fell in love with it after one performance.
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I love being married. I love my husband. I think married people always have that thing where they think that the grass is greener on the single side, but all my single friends are like,
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But I think what diversity brings to any daypart is more eyeballs, just more opportunity.
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Much like a wobbly toddler or an unhinged politician, one immediately looks for someone else to blame. God. Your parents. Ex-girlfriends. Undocumented immigrants. Marvin in Human Resources. China.
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Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough.
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Nothing really worth having is easy to get. The hard-fought battles, the goals won with sacrifice, are the ones that matter.
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If you haven’t noticed yet, working sucks. Unless you are a racecar driver or an astronaut or Beyonce, working is completely and utterly devoid of awesome.
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After going through a lot of procedures and spending a lot of money … the doctor said, ‘Look, based on what we’re seeing here, I just don’t think this is going to happen for you.’
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“Trust me, you don’t want to have to actually interact with these people.”
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When I was younger, those kinds of comments bothered me, but eventually got to a point where I realized I wasn’t going to change who I was.
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I’m just going to be the best version of me that I could possibly be and be as funny as I possibly can.
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Marriage isn’t a carnival ride.
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But I love stand-up, and it’s where I came from creatively, so it’s something I never want to walk away from.
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I like grown up comedy.
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Omnipresence can be a good or bad thing, I suppose. I don’t want to spend a lot of time thinking about it. I’m super-grateful.
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I am absolutely a Giants fan and I’m a Dynasty baby so I was a 49ers fan for a long time.
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Sometimes the mistake I see people make is thinking that they’re always going to be up, and I think that’s impossible for anyone.
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I think I was only attracted to drunken douches before I got married.
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A belief in feminism is a belief in personal freedom.
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So what I would say to other people is to just embrace who you are because you will become instantly happier.
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