“Wounds turn into scars and scars make you tough.”

I grew up on the back of a motorcycle – my dad didn’t have a car until I was a teenager. And then my closest friend from grade school was a guy.

After going through a lot of procedures and spending a lot of money … the doctor said, ‘Look, based on what we’re seeing here, I just don’t think this is going to happen for you.’

You can only really learn from failure … To win, you need to fail, and fail hard.

I love it when I come across a word I don’t know. And I would never treat my audience like they weren’t smart enough to come along with me.

So much of a stand-up’s life is doing live radio and having to be funny and quick on the spot with these strangers, and sort of surgical in terms of how funny I can be in three minutes.

I liked comedy, but didn’t know it was something you could do for a living. I actually wanted to be an attorney.

I was born in California, raised a vegetarian, and love science fiction, so don’t tell me how I need to be in order to fit your standards.

When I was young I thought, ‘Yeah, people don’t see, they’re not recognizing how funny I am, and how talented I am’. And the guys that mentored me were like, ‘

I started out being a stand up and writing my own material. That took me to Talk Soup, where I was writing and performing for TV.

So I think the longer you do stand-up, the more comfortable you are. You stop wanting to hide your foibles and instead want to show who you are.

I will say that stand-up is my first love; it’s how I got started and is in my bones.

Pop culture is great, but it can be bad, at times.

I like to be nice. I want to be a hero. I want to save people. Or just kill zombies, because they deserve it, because they’re already dead and they can’t feel it. They don’t have feelings.

I always wanted to be as busy as possible so that if one job went away I’d still have plenty of other things to do.

Comedy is ugly. It’s honest, it’s raw.

I do not actually DO these things, but I see myself doing them, and that is almost MORE satisfying, because I am also lying down.

The object of art is to make eternal the desperately fleeting moment.

I would make this war as severe as possible, and show no symptoms of tiring till the South begs for mercy.

The weak are more likely to make the strong weak than the strong are likely to make the weak strong.

I love making people laugh. And I love laughing.

I honestly believe I am the only woman in the United States who ever traveled throughout the country with a nursing baby to make political speeches.

The theory that the man who raises corn does a more important piece of work than the woman who makes it into bread is absurd.

I really just care about making music and how I can make it next.

I know I had no hand in making this war, and I know I will make more sacrifices today than any of you to secure peace.