The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
MITCH HEDBERG -
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
MITCH HEDBERG -
On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
MITCH HEDBERG -
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
MITCH HEDBERG -
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?
MITCH HEDBERG -
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
MITCH HEDBERG -
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
MITCH HEDBERG






