Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
MITCH HEDBERGI want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add “er”.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
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A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
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If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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Every picture of you is when you were younger.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
MITCH HEDBERG