“I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

Every picture of you is when you were younger.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.

A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.

I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.

Why are there no “during” pictures?

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!

I like having someone I can spoil.

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog.

You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.

I like girls who have two eyes.

I’m whispering so that the media doesn’t hear me.

You will find the key to success under the alarm clock.

Whenever I’m sick, my doctor jokes that I have Beiber Fever!

I enjoy it when it’s over! I enjoy whatever success we have. If an audience finds it funny, then it’s been worth it.