I know people who believe in ghosts but don’t believe in themselves.
MITCH HEDBERGI think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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When it comes to racism, you hear people say, “I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.” Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
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When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
MITCH HEDBERG