I love my fed-ex guy cause he’s a drug dealer and he don’t even know it…and he’s always on time.
MITCH HEDBERGImagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
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When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.
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Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
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I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.
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On a traffic light green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘yield’, but on a banana it’s just the opposite. Green means ‘hold on,’ yellow means ‘go ahead,’ and red means, ‘where the hell did you get that banana at?’
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn’t type any slower.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, “I’ll just get a tan instead.”
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I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, “Don’t worry, Dude. I won’t say anything.”
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
MITCH HEDBERG