I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. FIELDSMoney will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS