“Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.”

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

We become happier not by accumulating more things but by creating richer experiences.

Indeed in general I hold that there is nothing truer than happiness, and nothing happier and sweeter than truth.

To love is to place happiness in the heart of another.

Be happy! God sees in you another God. God sees you as another God. God sees you and He as One.

You can be happy in any circumstances, you simply need to believe in God.

Money and time are the heaviest burdens of life, and the unhappiest of all mortals are those who have more of either than they know how to use.

The problem with fault-finding is that he who finds fault with others is in no way a happy person, Even after he has successfully Accomplished his task.

My goals are – I don’t need much. I’m a simple man. I think that success is having fun. And when I’m having fun doing music, I’m happy. If I can make a little money on the side doing it, I’m really happy.