Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDSA woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS