I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
W. C. FIELDSIt’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. FIELDS