“During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.”

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

If I ever own a restaurant, I will never allow the waiters to ask if the diners like their dishes. Particularly when they’re talking.

If music be the food of love play on give me excess of it.

He is rich enough who does not want bread.

Not living for food, but living for the sake of an ideal, that is the goal of education.

If I agree to dispose of any part of our land to the white people I would feel guilty of taking food away from our children’s mouths, and I do not wish to be that mean.

Poisoned food will look like nourishment to someone who is starving. The same principle applies to abusive relationships.