“If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.”

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

You know, you don’t need to grow old to die. I was dying at the age of 20 as a result of no direction and no purpose.

When I was a kid, I thought my dad was a little bit harsh with me at times. Sometimes I needed an arm around me instead of my dad telling me what I did wrong, but it obviously worked.

Your story needs to move people’s spirits and build their goodwill, so that when you finally do ask them to buy from you, they feel like you’ve given them so much it would be almost rude to refuse.

Sometimes I do need to go to karaoke, sometimes I need to relax.

One thing I gained in my life is just the need for more Jesus in my life. You never come to a place in your walk with Jesus where you feel like you’ve had enough. That’s a dangerous feeling to have.

Half an hour’s meditation each day is essential, except when you are busy. Then a full hour is needed.

When we know something that needs to be done but isn’t currently getting done, we often say, I just need more discipline. Actually, we need the habit of doing it. And we need just enough discipline to build the habit.

The nation doesn’t simply need what we have. It needs what we are.