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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W. C. Fields

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
W. C. FIELDS

Marriage Night Survive Woman
You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Belief Trust Yourself
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. FIELDS

Ambitious Myself Tree
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. FIELDS

Doctor Togetherness
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
W. C. FIELDS

Appearance Attitude Education Important Money Past People Skill
I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
W. C. FIELDS

Company Myself
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Myself Wine
The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDS

Food Live Lost Struggle Travel
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS

Man Money Poor Rich
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
W. C. FIELDS

Expectation Herself Life Man Woman Yourself
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS

Deep Reality Tragedy

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

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