A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDSNo doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS






