It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDSAnyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
W. C. FIELDS