This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEYThere we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit
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I tend to go through periods worrying, “Where am I going, I can’t see a way out of this,” and it becomes quite stressful. But sometimes you have to take a bet on yourself.
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
BILL BAILEY