I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an A level in guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLYDid your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. … That can keep me awake for days.
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Without arts programmes there’s only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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Tread gently on anyone who looks at you sideways.
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I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
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The religion in Scotland is one of the most patronising things… after the weather.
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I just believe in the movie. I don’t care what the book was like. I don’t care what the previous film was like or other films were like. I care only about the script I’ve got.
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I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
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A fart is just your arse applauding.
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I’ve never done a comedy club in my life. It’s weird because I don’t have the same background as most comics. I don’t have a history of going up and only doing eight minutes.
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There’s nothing better than a fight, especially when you’re watching it from a safe place. You can yell encouragement! Hit him with the left, he’s a big Jessie!
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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I don’t believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It’s on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it’s supposed to give you a parking space. It’s worked so far.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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