This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEYContentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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Tonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY