“I’m not a grown up until everybody realises I’m a grown up. When everyone remembers me as the dirty kid singing little songs I am the dirty little kid.”

Where are all the sour patch parents?

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they’re under thirteen, just do them in your head.

I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost… my virginity.

If comedy is about surprises, about tension, there’s a lot of tension and surprise there, in the fact that people are expecting this to be natural.

When I see someone filming me, I don’t usually think, ‘No, man, don’t put this up online!’ I’d think, ‘Hey man, you don’t get to go to shows very often, put down the camera and enjoy it!’ I love going to theatre and to shows so much.

Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don’t.

I work really hard on the shows and I think the shows speak for themselves. I don’t want to construct the show to prove something.

There’s a metal train that a mile long and at the very back end a lightning bolt struck her. How long til it reaches and kills the driver, provided that he’s a good conductor?

Was Einstein’s theory good? Relatively.

I chose to do comedy instead of going to college.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot,

I have a pretty good math mind, so I can see patterns, but I don’t have a great ear. It’s like a tragedy – I can see so much more natural musical ability in so many other people.

I’m happy with what I’m doing. I try not to focus on how I’ve changed. I just try to focus on what I’m doing now.

People give me money and I don’t know why, my real collection plate is an empty cup held by a homeless guy.

I do think that stand-up comedy in general heavily favors masculinity and so I like to act a little feminine onstage.

I’m friends with a lot of comedians, but we don’t talk about material. Most comedians I know don’t watch a lot of other comedy.

Stu Hart trained all his kids–only three of them use the litter box.

I’ve always slightly worried the kids who play football around my house. They know I’m an actor, but felt sorry for me because they’d never seen anything I’ve done.

It’s usually kids that normally don’t have a chance to get to meet each other because they’re separated by millions of different things.

There was an edge of, ‘Go away kid, you’re bothering me’. I’ve kicked myself a million times since. I could’ve discovered Whitney Houston.

I’m not a hero or a superstar. I’m an everyday guy. I feel happy when children approach me. I feel that something good is happening in life when little kids recognise me.

Every kid I knew had a father with a little stash of men’s magazines which the father thought was secret and which the kid knew all about.

I am who I am: an Irish Catholic kid, working class from Long Island. And I made it big.

I compare songwriting to childbirth. How many kids can you have before your uterus explodes?