I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
BILL BAILEYThree women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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This shed does not contain me.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
BILL BAILEY