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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Billy Connolly

I don’t think I’ve ever died on stage. I’ve had jokes that died on stage. I’ve told a joke and absolutely nothing. They didn’t know it was the end of the joke.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Absolutely End Jokes Stage Thinking
I was brought up as a Catholic. I’ve got A-level guilt.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Brought Catholic Guilt Level
People die all the time. It’s just that you’re not around.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Around Dies Normal People
I’ve always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can’t tell to an audience.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Audience Differences Offended People You
I decided to stop drinking while it was still my idea.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Drinking Ideas Stills Stop
I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Desperate People Themselves Thinking
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Love Marriage Wedding
Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it’s easy – you simply look under the kilt, and if it’s a quarter-pounder, you know it’s a McDonald’s.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Kilts Looks Mcdonalds Quater
If you give people a chance, they shine.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Giving People Shining
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Comedy Euthanasia Fame
I’d never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I’ve been learning more about it as I’ve been doing interviews. I
BILLY CONNOLLY

Consciously Home Intention Numbers People
I don’t aim to offend.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Offended Target The Aim
Scotland has the only football team in the world that does a lap of disgrace.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Country Football Someone Team
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Crosses Malfunction
The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
BILLY CONNOLLY

Coffee Forehead Lunch Somebody Talking Zombie
Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?
BILLY CONNOLLY

Funny Humor Mother

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

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