“Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.”

There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.

The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”

Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.

It’s the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life.

Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’

I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.

My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.

At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.

What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Tacos.” “tacos?” i echoed. This seemed to amuse him. “tomatoes, lettuce, cheese.” “i know what a taco is!

I make the proportion of one of these small Water-creatures to a Cheese-mite, to be like that of a Bee to a Horse:

And I judge that some of these little creatures were above a thousand times smaller than the smallest ones I have ever yet seen, upon the rind of cheese, in wheaten flour, mould, and the like.

From better access to American markets for our beef and lamb farmers, to cutting tariffs on dairy products like cheese, which are up to 17 per cent, there are significant opportunities for UK farming.

For, the circumference of one of these little Animals in water, is not so big as the thickness of a hair in a Cheese-mite.

And I imagine, that [ten hundred thousand] of these little Creatures do not equal an ordinary grain of Sand in bigness: And comparing them with a Cheese-mite (which may be seen to move with the naked eye)

Im not supposed to be within two hundred feet of a school or a Chuck E. Cheese.

I don’t try to knock people out, but I have the ability to press him and get the cheese.