I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.
BILLY CONNOLLYSave the Trees? Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!
More Billy Connolly Quotes
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I’m not going to throw away the hand of friendship to suit 100 Trotskyites in Glasgow.
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I loathe hecklers. I haven’t got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone.
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When I was 12, we went from Glasgow to Aberdeen on a school trip. It was called fresh air fortnight.
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Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.
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If you haven’t heard a good rumour by 11:00am, start one.
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When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
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I once travelled to Adelaide on Emu Airways. I was 5,000 ft up in the air when someone pointed out to me that emus can’t fly
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Never trust people who’ve only got one book.
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As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It’s something they reserve just for me.
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I used to be a folk singer, but I was… dreadful. I had a voice like a goose farting in the fog.
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I don’t have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I’ve done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that’s mostly what I’m offered.
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I became a welder. I was actually becoming an Engineer and I joined the wrong queue. And so I became a welder, without knowing what a welder was.
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I love Scotland and I speak about it a lot, so people think I’m desperate to go back. They just take it upon themselves to say I’m going back, but I’m not. I’d rather concentrate on becoming a citizen of the world.
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Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
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The strangest thing is at tea breaks, or coffee breaks or lunch, you forget you’re a zombie. And you’re talking about politics to somebody at the table and you forget that you have a bullet hole in your forehead.
BILLY CONNOLLY







