“Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’”

Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.

Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.

Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!

I try to appreciate the simple things. I’ve just been camping with my son and I enjoyed that just as much if not more than a holiday in a posh hotel. I like making a cup of tea and bacon sarnie in the morning.

What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?

Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it

In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

This shed does not contain me.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

Work hard, save and live within your means.

Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.

I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.

The world is over-armed and peace is under-funded.

All other holidays are in a more or less degree connected with conflicts and battles of man’s prowess over man, of strife and discord for greed and power, of glories achieved by one nation over another. Labor Dayis devoted to no man, living or dead, to no sect, race, or nation.

The age seems sore from excess of stimulation, just as a day or two after a thorough Debauch and long sustained Drinking-match a man feels all over like a Bruise.

Over and above communication and vigilance, there are two factors I have always mentioned. They are sleep, and a sense of history.

There’s nothing special about losing your virginity over a toilet.

He tasted deeper, holding himself over me, and suddenly he was everywhere; his knee trapping my leg, his lips grazing warm, rough, sensuous. He splayed his hand at the small of my back, holding me tightly, driving me to sink my fingers deeper into him, clinging to him as if letting go would mean losing part of myself.

For he who has died has been freed from sin…14 For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace.

My man, Gerard, prefers meat over bone. That takes the pressure off. I already have a lot to worry about.