Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
BILL BAILEYMy wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Live comedy’s a very reckless, foolhardy profession. You’re only as good as your last gig so earnings fluctuate.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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Television is where you earn regular money so you can plan a little bit but even then only when you have a regular gig. If you’re just doing the odd appearance, you don’t know if it will carry on.
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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I know that to be a true fact because I read it in Heat magazine
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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At college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Why do people want to swim with dolphins? The equivalent would be an Indonesian fellow coming over here, going up to a farmer and saying ‘Can I get in with the cows? I just fancy scuffling about with them.’
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
BILL BAILEY