I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
BILL BAILEYAt college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right. Happiness is knowing someone else is wrong.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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Yes. Yes, when we live our life like 1950s detective films. I often go to my fridge, “Hullo, we’re out of milk. I say mother, where’s the milk?”
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say work, you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars… I’m not bitter at all.
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
BILL BAILEY