A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
BILL BAILEYAt college, I felt frustrated thinking three years was a long time and I just wanted a job but afterwards I was in employment the whole time.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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This shed does not contain me.
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I tried to like it. For me, it was like being smacked around the head by a piece of IKEA furniture: it hurts, but you’ve got to admire the workmanship.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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Relaxed Empiricism — I only believe something to be true if someone I know quite well tells me if happened.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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If you have enough money to be comfortable it makes life a lot easier and that’s undeniable. But I think happiness is more elusive.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
BILL BAILEY